Sometimes I Wonder!

*This is a guest post.*

Not long ago did the lines turn pink on the stick bringing down the walls around me in the bathroom. I gasped for breath, and held on the sink for a while not ready to look up into the vanity mirror.

“Should I take another test, just to be sure, we did use contraceptives”

But I knew it, this was it. It was coming and I had to embrace it.

I came out picked up the phone, threw my designer glasses frames on the bed and dialed by husband.

Honey Calling. I know. It was barely six months we knew each other before he popped the question. And here I was holding the two pink lines.

An hour later Rob was rang the doorbell.

I opened the door. Both us were chalk white and stood staring at each other for a few second till he decided to walk in and plop on the couch.

“How? How is it possible?”  Is all he kept repeating.

“Well, it was possible for Ross and Rachel” I tried to crack a joke. Didn't work.

A Year Later.

In the emergency room my wails grew louder and Amber had gone breech. A hasty C-section was called for and Rob was asked to leave the Delivery room.

I remember waking up in the hospital room, with the IV on my wrist and a cradle swinging next to me. Seeing my parents and Rob’s so happy.

I still remember the way Rob held Amber for the first time, it was like he was holding a dew drop scared she might vanish! I could see tears at the corner of his eyes and he never looked so handsome.

A year and a half later.

Amber has just learnt to crawl and boy is she all over the place. Rob seems to be aging because he was searching for the best place to buy glasses online Canada and Amber spilt milk all over his keyboard.

She now grasps things and puts anything on the floor in her mouth. She also screeches practicing her vocal cords. She is on solids now. She also babbles to herself while drooling all over us.

A terrible cough got her last week and we were awake till dawn. 

A bad rash appeared two days ago because the cheap diapers did not go so well. So much for saving some money.

She threw up on the new carpet because tomatoes are not so good raw and the house smells like ketchup gone bad.

Today.

Amber is nine months old and walks around. She unlocked the kitchen cabinets and cereal was all over the floor.

Thats it, nine months I have been patient, learning what is it like to be a new parent, cleaning up the mess while Rob is at work, lack of sleep, raging hormones, memories of my independence. Dancing on the street. Hitchhiking. Parasailing. New restaurants. Damn, I miss it all.

Just like that tears of anger welled in my eyes and I thought I was just going to scream “Amber Dont”

And there she stood covered in flour, smiled and mumbled “Mama”

Her first words.Her first defined babble that held all the joy that I could have imagined in that tiny moment. I scooped her up and kissed her, held her for as long as I could and thanked every God I could think of.

This Moment.

Sometimes I wonder with my aching body what would have been Rob and my story without Amber, what if we had not conceived, what if we still were a nonchalant couple pub crawling every weekend?

There were no plans. We hated planning. That's how we fell in love!

And that's when I realize that THIS was meant to be. Nothing could have got us more joy than Ambers chuckle, nothing could have brought us more closer, more intertwined than watching our baby girl sleep, nothing could bring content, than knowing that we stuck to our plan, of being in the moment.

Nothing could have made us love each other more deeply, more responsibly than our dear Amber. This is home, right here for us, with three of us embracing what we have created.

And I learnt, that happiness is just a term that can never have a single definition. For some happiness if travelling the globe for some it's to buy titanium eyeglasses online.

Some feel ecstatic that prescription sunglasses exist now and some enjoy a sale at the thrift store. Some find happiness in meditation while some have fun gossiping.

Life is a yin and yang, and we will always crave for something we don't have. That's how we are wired. But instead of beating yourself for all the wrong things, why not look at the things that truly matter, that make a difference.

Like family. A cosy home. A cup of hot coffee. And clean diapers!

Right Now.

I am folding up the laundry and Amber has walked in picking up the piled shirts one by one and dropping them on the floor.

Ideally, I would have lost my cool, but instead I look at her and start throwing piled clothes one by one too!

She laughs. It's the best.